


Aca-Irrelevant

by KKSlider909



Category: Person of Interest (TV), Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Car Chases, Crossover, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Guns, Humor, I Don't Even Know, No Smut, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pointless, Ridiculous, Silly, What Was I Thinking?, staubrey - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-10-22
Packaged: 2018-06-05 08:11:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6696850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KKSlider909/pseuds/KKSlider909
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Aubrey Posen's number comes up in that idyllic time before Samaritan is online.<br/>(Staubrey endgame, with just a tiny hint of Root/Shaw in background.)</p>
<p>The Pitch Perfect / Person of Interest crossover that nobody asked for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Had snippets of this fic sitting on my cellphone for the longest time. Thought I should finally unleash it on all you readers/unwitting victims. Bwahahahaha.

(Friday - Barden University gym - present day)

"Ms. Groves, any luck on finding out if this number is a victim or perpetrator?" Loud panting could be heard over the comm.

"Ms. Groves, are you still there?" Root jogged around the gym, up and down bleachers, hours into a ridiculously gruelling cardio workout beginning to grate on her nerves.

"Harold, she's definitely a victim. Half the girls here are plotting to murder their captain over this cardio routine." Exaggerated groan could be heard from Root as she is elbowed in the stomach by Fat Amy who clumsily stumbled by.

"Honestly at this point, if any of these girls want to kill her, I might let it happen. Justifiable homicide, you know." Root blew out an exasperated breath as she tried to catch up to Amy.

*** (3 days ago)

Lionel Fusco took out a sandwich as he sat waiting in his car. "Hey Glasses, why is Banana Nut Crunch auditioning for the Barden Bellas?"

"Detective Fusco, our new number Aubrey Posen, age 21, is a business major at Barden University who spends most of her free time with that women's acapella group. Bellas rehearsals are seven days a week, two or more hours per day. We needed a way to keep an eye on her."

"But why Cocoa Puffs?"

"You wound me, Lionel!" Root shot back. "I'm not too shabby at karaoke, so the Machine suggested that I audition. Tell him, Harold."

"It's true, Detective Fusco. Myself and Mr. Reese can attest to Ms. Groves' vocal skills on karaoke nights at our local tavern."

"But why am I stuck posing as Root's dad? Did the Machine suggest that too?"

"No, but we thought it best that you work with Ms. Groves and Ms. Shaw on this number."

"No fair Harold! I'm not old enough to be Root's dad." Fusco whined. "Wait--why wasn't I ever invited to karaoke night?"

***(2 days ago)

"Ladies, settle down please. We have a couple of announcements to make." Chloe and Aubrey looked at each other, then waited for the Bellas to sit.

"As you may have already heard, Jessica..." Aubrey hesitated, then quickly whispered to Chloe "or was it Ashley?" Chloe mouthed silently, "It was Jessica."

"As I was saying, Jessica had to drop out of Barden for reasons unknown. And because she is no longer a student, she can no longer be a part of any student activity groups. She's automatically disqualified from being a Bella." Aubrey shushed at some Bellas. They were grumbling loudly that Jessica got screwed over by a computer glitch.

Chloe joined in shushing the Bellas, then added: "We held an emergency audition yesterday to replace the spot vacated by Jessica. There were many great candidates, but we picked what we felt was the best candidate to join our current lineup. She is totes awesome!"

Aubrey nodded at Root, "Everyone, please welcome our newest Bella: Caroline Turing."

Root stood up and gave a brief introduction about herself.

*** (Friday - present day)

"Give me one reason why I shouldn't tase our number right this very minute." Root happily thought of the taser she had tucked away under her Barden Bellas scarf in her book bag.

"Oh it's that kind of party, huh?" Shaw's voice echoed over the comm.

"Ah sweetie, are you jealous?"

"Damn it, Root! Why couldn't my cover be a grad student like you? Why did the Machine make me your stay-at-home wife?"

"Because you look so cute at home! Cleaning our guns all day, washing our huge loads of black clothing, and cooking up delicious meals for little ol' me. If the Machine wants you to be my domestic goddess, who am I to complain?"

"Fuck you Root! I'm so fucking bored!"

"Ms. Groves, Ms. Shaw, can we please not..."

"Harold, you're no fun!" Root pouted as she enthusiastically rammed into Amy's back causing Amy to fall onto Beca.

"Duuuude!!! Owww!!!" Beca howled as she landed face down on the floor.

"Not my fault, twig bitch here shoved me!" Fat Amy pointed at Root. Root rolled her eyes in disbelief.

Aubrey frowned at them.

"Girls, take five."

Sighs of relief heard all around as a pile of Bellas collapsed onto the bleachers. Aubrey huddled with Chloe as they walked out of the gym.

Amy clapped her hands once to get everyone's attention. "Alright ya sweaty smelly dingoes!"

Amy wiped the sweat dripping off her headband, "We need to do something about this! Aca-cardio queen is killing us!"

"Not if we kill her first, dude!" Beca smirked. Lily high-fived her.

"Harold, what can you tell us about Beca? She's always clashing with Aubrey, she hates Aubrey's song choices and absolutely hates being here." Root spoke quietly into the comm.

"Ms. Groves, Beca Mitchell is a freshman, age 18, whose father is a professor at Barden University. Ms. Mitchell wants to be a DJ. There doesn't appear to be any indications that she would want to harm our number."

Cynthia Rose stood up next to Amy. "Seriously guys, I know exactly what she needs." A beat as everyone waited for Cynthia Rose to finish her idea. "Girl needs to get some!"

"I can't imagine Aubrey smoking bud with us." The Bellas stared at Lily-- most of them could barely hear what she said.

"Girl might chill if she got laid on the regular." CR continued. "The Hunter can get her done." CR winked at Stacie.

"In any other situation that might work," Amy gestured at Stacie, "but lesbi-honest, the Hunter has no effect on Aubrey." Stacie crossed her arms and grimaced at Amy.

"The Hunter has been flirting with Aubrey since Day One, but where has that gotten us, huh? Anyone see '#Staubrey' trending anywhere? Anyone ever seen Aubrey crack a smile during rehearsals? Yeah, I didn't think so."

"We need a new approach. My money is on skinny bitch over here." Amy grabbed Root by her shoulders. Root shrugged to get out of Amy's grasp.

Stacie hated to concede to any failure by the Hunter, but Amy did have a point. Stacie had openly flirted with Aubrey, inappropriately touched herself in front of her, done everything she could to get Aubrey's attention ever since auditions but Aubrey had resisted.

Stacie had even asked her out a few times at the beginning of the semester and was politely rejected every time. Stacie had been rejected enough times to know not to ask again. Aubrey's excuse each time was that she had a strict rule about not dating any Bellas.

Wanting to know more about it, Stacie found out from Chloe that Aubrey made up that rule after seeing the conflict and division that occurred during Aubrey's freshman year when her captain was dating a Bella.  
When they became co-captains, Aubrey and Chloe agreed on three new rules: that new girls recruited had to be super-hot, that the girls must have perfect pitch, and that no captain should ever date a Bella. Stacie had never felt so frustrated. Stacie sighed sadly.

The conversation about how to get their captain laid ended when Aubrey and Chloe walked back into the gym. "Get up aca-bitches! Back to more cardio. Come on, moooove!" Yup, Aubrey was in drill sergeant mode again.

"Harold, did you hear that? They want me to seduce our number." Root laughed as she ran up the bleachers with her fellow Bellas.

"What!? Ms. Groves, please don't do anything I wouldn't do."


	2. Chapter 2

After that Friday rehearsal where Fat Amy voiced the Hunter's shortcomings in front of the entire universe, Stacie felt so mortified that she put the Hunter on hiatus. The Hunter had definitely met its kryptonite--and Stacie's ego could not survive it.

Stacie had resolved that from now on, she wouldn't look at Aubrey, touch Aubrey, touch herself in front of Aubrey, stand near Aubrey, sit near Aubrey, or even talk to Aubrey unless spoken to. It was going to be hard not to stare at those gorgeous blue eyes, but after months of trying, Stacie felt like the blonde was a lost cause. She told herself that it was better to forget her crush and move on. Go cold turkey.

The sudden change in Stacie's behavior during rehearsals did not go unnoticed by Aubrey.

At the next rehearsal on Saturday, Aubrey thought Stacie looked tired and was likely hungover from whatever parties she might have attended Friday night. Aubrey knew from Stacie's Bellas application form that she was double majoring in physics and chemistry. It was a wonder how Stacie managed to come to rehearsals seven days a week, with that heavy courseload and with her heavy social schedule. However, when Stacie ignored her again at rehearsals on Sunday, but was back to her chatty self around the other Bellas, Aubrey realized that Stacie was deliberately avoiding her.

Aubrey tried not to be sore about it, but she couldn't help it. She had gotten so used to the hyper flirty side of Stacie that she was shocked by the change. She had grown fond of and looked forward to the overt come-ons from Stacie and had started to question why she never said yes to Stacie. She was flattered by the attention and missed it.

Sure, she had made up a strict rule for herself that dating any Bella was prohibited but really no such rule actually existed in the official Barden Bellas rule book. And the control freak in Aubrey did read that rule book backwards and forwards before she became co-captain with Chloe. She had even entertained the idea of asking Stacie out at some point (despite her newly made-up dating rule) but chickened out whenever she had a chance to speak to her alone.

Now that Stacie was completely avoiding her, she didn't want to confront Stacie about it, for fear that her stomach might give up whatever she ate for lunch. She did have a tendency to hurl when stressed out too much. There was no doubt in her mind that being near Stacie made her stomach do somersaults. Aubrey admitted to herself that she had spent way too much time at every rehearsal staring at Stacie's soft lips and green eyes and those impossibly long legs in those often preposterously short shorts. Too bad Stacie was no longer flirting with her, Aubrey was starting to feel sorry for herself.

"Bree, it's time to stop for today. You have a study session with Caroline, remember?" Chloe tapped Aubrey's arm to get her attention.

Aubrey's eyes followed Stacie's bare legs as Stacie ran down the bleachers. Aubrey shook herself out of her reverie and blew into her Barden University rape whistle. "Girls we're done today. See y'all tomorrow."

Barden University Board of Regents in its infinite wisdom and to usher itself into the technological age had decided to vex all seniors with a basic computer science class as a requirement for graduation. Aubrey was one such senior who was struggling with the computer science requirement. Caroline, the new Bella and computer science graduate student, had recently offered to tutor her and Aubrey was grateful for that.

Fat Amy reached over and ruffled Root's hair, "Caroline, we got let out early today. Whatever you're doing with her, keep doing it girl!" At that, Cynthia Rose stealthily but grudgingly slipped a $20 bill into Fat Amy's palm.

"Thanks Caroline!" Beca patted Root on the back.

Root picked up her book bag and went over to Aubrey and Chloe. "Aubrey, I'll see you in the computer lab in a few minutes, I'm gonna pick up some coffee for us first." Root strutted out of the gym.

Did that bitch really just strut out like that, and oh dear God, did Aubrey just smile at that bitch? Stacie frowned at the thought.

"Root, be careful around your study buddy." Shaw warned over the comm.

"You have nothing to worry about wifey. You're still my one and only." Root made a kissing noise over the comm.

"Shut up Root!" Shaw grunted. "Me and Lionel just found Aubrey's gun stash."

Shaw and Fusco gingerly thumbed through the contents of a rented storage unit ten blocks from campus. Dozens of pistols and hunting rifles were locked in TSA-approved cases. Boxes of ammunition were stacked next to those cases. Gun cleaning oil, cleaning rods, towels, brushes, goggles, noise-cancelling headsets and various other gun paraphernalia were packed in a large duffle bag. Every item had been compulsively disinfected, clearly labeled, and neatly organized.

"Ms. Shaw, I don't think Ms. Groves has anything to worry about." Harold interjected. "Our number is an avid gun collector and expert markswoman who participates in shooting competitions. There is a 'no guns on campus' policy at Barden, thus Ms. Posen cannot keep any guns in her on-campus apartment without risk of expulsion."

"But Glasses, don't you think this is overkill? How many firearms does a college co-ed need?" Fusco said, as he eyed one of Aubrey's shooting competition trophies.

"Harold, I'm from Texas. Let me answer Lionel's question." Root had listened to the comm with mild amusement, then told Aubrey that she needed to step out of the computer lab for a moment.

"Lionel, you can never have enough guns if you're from the South. Our number is originally from South Carolina. Guns and ammo and being from the South--trust me, it's a thing." Root stepped back into the computer lab and smiled at Aubrey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI: Anna Camp (the actress who plays Aubrey Posen) was featured in an issue of "Garden & Gun" magazine, which is a magazine about southern culture. I couldn't help it--I can't imagine Aubrey without a huge collection of guns in this fic.


	3. Chapter 3

 

(Thursday night)

  
The chemistry building was adjacent to the computer science building on campus. Every time Stacie walked by on her way to the chemistry lab, she was very tempted to sneak a peek at Aubrey's Tuesday/Thursday study sessions with Caroline. She told herself, don't be such a creeper. Bad enough you (not so casually) asked Chloe why Aubrey shortened rehearsals on Tuesdays and Thursdays. But cold turkey be damned, the urge to check on Aubrey was always there.

One Thursday night, Stacie was approaching the chemistry lab to retrieve some books that she had absentmindedly left behind, when she heard two voices harmonizing to a familiar tune.

"I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose. Fire away, fire away. Ricochet...."

Stacie could see from yards away that Caroline and Aubrey were goofing off in front of the computer science building, laughing and singing. Stacie was so used to the uptight Bellas' captain version of Aubrey that she didn't know what a relaxed version of Aubrey looked like. Gosh, this version of the blonde was super adorable, Stacie sighed.

Shit, you are so screwed. You need to girl the hell up, grow some balls, Stacie chastised herself. But, instead of directly walking up to Aubrey, Stacie found herself pondering the meaning of the word "swoon" at seeing Aubrey smiling so brightly. Stacie banished any acts of bravery from her mind as she swiftly jumped behind the thickest tree in the quad.

Aubrey and Root were half-way through their study session. They were taking a fresh air break outside, since the Barden computer science lab was notorious for smelling like a sweat-soaked locker room.

"Chloe's lady jam is really Titanium? I thought the girls were joking." Root gave Aubrey a quizzical look.

"Yeah, it's true. Whenever Chloe starts singing that song in the shower, I immediately leave our apartment to give her some alone time." Aubrey chuckled.

"And did Chloe really walk naked into Beca's shower, forcing Beca to sing Titanium with her?"

"She totes did!" Aubrey replied. "Chloe told me herself as soon as it happened."

"That's a cute way to pick up a girl." Root laughed. "Flashing your goodies and then harmonizing in the shower."

"Caroline, come on." Aubrey said. "You and your wife meeting the way you did--that's the cutest. Seriously, hashtag relationship goals!"

"Root, quit singing Top 40 pop tunes and yakking it up with our number." Shaw said angrily over the comm. "That punk ass bitch Martine and her goons are headed your way. Me and Lionel are trying to delay her." Gunfire could be heard over the comm.

"Excuse me, Aubrey. I have to take this call. My better half probably wants to know what time I'll be home." Root stepped a few feet away from Aubrey for privacy. Aubrey nodded in understanding and started to fiddle with the casual gaming apps on her phone.

"Sweetie, I think Martine has a crush on me." Root sing-songed into the comm as she placed her cellphone up against her ear.

"Au contraire mon cherie!" Fusco said in a silly French accent over the comm. "Martine is shooting at my car, therefore she is crushin' on moi."

"Will you guys just please! Shuuuut! Up!" Shaw humphed over the comm.

"Ms. Groves, we believe that Martine is under orders to abduct Ms. Posen." Harold said. He calmly added, "Please transport Ms. Posen to the safehouse I've arranged. I'm texting the location to your phone now."

Root waited for the address to show on her phone, then looked at her surroundings. She continued to hold her phone against her ear so that Aubrey could see that she wasn't done with her call.

It was late, the street lamps were brightly lit, and the campus looked deserted.  
Root scanned the grassy tree-filled quad in front of the computer sciences building and recognized a pair of green eyes blinking at her from behind a gigantic oak tree 20 yards away.

"Hold on Harold, what can you tell me about Stacie?" Root whispered into the comm.

"Ms. Groves, Stacie Conrad is a freshman, age 18, who is attending Barden on a full scholarship. I don't think there is time for me to give you a run-down of all of her academic achievements, given that Martine is on her way. Get Ms. Posen out of there, hurry!"

"Harold, I can't leave yet. The Machine. She's telling me to take both Aubrey and Stacie."

Root put her cellphone back in her jacket pocket.

"Aubrey, sorry for the interruption, but I think our study session needs to be cut short today. There's an emergency situation. You need to come with me."

Root grabbed Aubrey by her wrist and quickly guided her towards the giant tree in the quad. Aubrey was about to protest the rough grabbing by her tutor Caroline, but stopped when she saw who was behind the tree.

"Hey you, what's with the cloak-and-dagger?" Root said to Stacie as she pulled Stacie out from behind the tree.

"Hey Aubrey." Stacie said softly, looking sheepish.

"Hey Stacie." Aubrey took a breath.

The two girls just stood there dumbfounded. Stacie felt her face blush as she looked into Aubrey's eyes. Aubrey stared back and tried mightily to say something more, but language disappeared from her faculties at the moment. Both girls were doing a good job of forgetting that there was in fact a third girl standing between them with a firm grip on their arms.

With her good ear, Root could hear the sound of gunfire and tires screeching in the distance. A black Crown Vic was chasing a black SUV as gunfire was exchanged between them. The sounds were getting louder as the cars got closer.

"Uh...Guys, I hate to break up this highly stimulating conversation, but we need to get to my car! Pronto!"

***

(Earlier that same day - Thursday morning)

Shaw leaned out the car window and snapped a picture of the massive wood-carved sign at the fork in the road: This way to The Lodge at Fallen Leaves.

"Lionel, why are we in the middle of bumfuck nowheresville lyme-disease-ticktown?" Shaw asked while twisting the knob to change radio stations.

"My car, my music, Shorty!" Fusco made a right turn onto a dirt road and abruptly slapped Shaw's hand away from the radio dials.

"What the fuck Lionel! Don't you ever get tired of listening to old white people music?!" Shaw tried to reach for the power button on the radio but was deflected again.

"Ms. Shaw, you and Detective Fusco are checking on Ms. Posen's part-time job." Harold explained. "Ms. Posen completed an internship at the Lodge during her junior year and was hired during her senior year as a part-time employee. Her performance evaluation notes that she has a knack for barking orders and bending people's wills--qualities that are well-suited for the job. Management at the Lodge are considering her for a full-time position."

Harold continued, "The Lodge has a good reputation among Fortune 500 companies for what they do."

After Fusco parked his Crown Vic behind some bushes, Shaw silently walked toward a ridge overlooking a cluster of cabins, campgrounds, and obstacle courses nestled among acres of tall evergreen trees.

"Harold, what exactly do they do at the Lodge?" Shaw peered through her binoculars. "This place is crawling with Decima operatives!"


	4. Chapter 4

(Same Thursday morning - continued from end of Chapter 3)

"Hey Glasses, is the Machine busted or what?" Fusco inquired as he sat on the hood of his car, smearing insect repellent on his face. "We've never taken this long to figure out whether our number is a victim or a perp!"

"The Machine is never wrong." Harold insisted. "I built it. I taught it everything it knows."

"Maybe you should take the Machine in for an oil change, Harold." Shaw swatted at a mosquito hovering near her head as she continued to look at Decima operatives below. “I don’t like this one bit.”

***(Flashback. One year ago. Exactly.)

"Good job Team Decima! You are almost getting there!"

Aubrey clapped her hands as she watched the unusually pale, severe-looking group of people working together to build a circle of tents. She had seen many corporate tech groups come through the Lodge at Fallen Leaves, but this particular group stood out. For a technology company, Decima employees were mostly buff ex-military types rather than the nerdy, out-of-shape computer science folks that Aubrey was accustomed to seeing. Snapchat, Apple, and Uber employees did not look like Decima employees at all, Aubrey thought.

She walked around each tent and inspected them to make sure that the fabric weren’t unnecessarily stretched too far and that the poles were adjusted properly. Aubrey checked off points on her metal clipboard and wrote notes regarding each team member. “You guys will be sleeping in these tents tonight, so make sure your tents are nice and sturdy.”

Aubrey stuck her head into one of the finished tents and patted the fabric on the ground inside that tent. Aubrey tut-tutted thunderously, for emphasis of course. 

“People! You know this ain’t the Ritz-Carlton! But, if any of you picked a spot without sweeping away any rocks or twigs before you pitched your tent on top of it, you are in for a really rough night! Those little stones or rocks that you thought were itty-bitty are gonna feel ginormous when you lay down your noggin tonight. Just saying.”

After watching Decima employees scramble to sweep away any hard debris from under their tents and then waiting for them to re-pitch their tents, Aubrey blew her whistle.

"Everyone, good job on your first task!” Aubrey smiled and encouraged everyone to clap their hands.

“Okay, next up, y'all need to get through this obstacle course together. Here's a map of the route. Place all your cellphones in the buckets."

Aubrey and her assistant confiscated electronic devices from each person individually.

"Any devices equipped with GPS are not allowed on the obstacle courses and trails." Aubrey double-checked each person's pockets. "We've had folks cheat on the course to try to finish faster. Keeps ya honest when no one is allowed any cellphones."

"Aubrey, are there any restrooms along the course?" Greer asked.

"Sorry everyone, no restrooms. You must wait to get back to the mess hall building for that. Oh, and please do not veer off the designated trails. There are bear traps all over."

"What idiocy is this? Bear traps!? Are you serious?" Martine narrowed her eyes at Aubrey.

"I’m Dixie Chicks serious! Black bears are native to this area." Aubrey gave Martine a flabbergasted look.

Aubrey continued to address the whole group, "These are called team-building exercises for a reason. No one is allowed to wander off on their own. Remember, no shortcuts to get to the endpoint." Aubrey glared at Martine.

Aubrey blew her whistle at the group. "Alright guys, get ready, get set, go!"

Aubrey and Greer stood back as Decima employees marched in a single-file line down a narrow dirt path. Greer watched with a sense of pride as his hand-picked employees moved like cogs in a well-oiled machine.

 

***

 

Ten minutes into the trail and Team Decima was already in trouble. An angry Martine was tangled up in netting and dangling from a tree branch three stories off the ground. While the rest of the team was screaming obscenities at her, Martine cursed back in German, Russian, and Chinese.

Aubrey and Greer drove up to the scene in a golf cart. Aubrey quickly grabbed her shotgun and got out of the vehicle, while trying to suppress her desire to laugh out loud.

"OK guys, this is what happens when you don't follow directions!" Aubrey excitedly waved her shotgun at Martine. "As my daddy used to say, if at first you don't succeed, pack your bags."

Greer laughed heartily.

Team Decima members stopped yelling at Martine and gawked at Aubrey. It was unusual to see Greer laugh loudly, so everyone gawked unabashedly. Martine mentally added Aubrey to her long list of potential murder victims, then tried to spit in Aubrey's direction while starting to curse in Italian.

"Aubrey, we need a ladder to get Martine down." Jeremy spoke out resignedly.

"Here at the Lodge, we don't believe in ladders." Aubrey explained. "They suggest a corporate hierarchy that is counter-productive to our team-building program."

"No ladder...good one." Jeremy scratched his head.

"You need to figure out how to get her down without using any ladders or tools." Aubrey suggested.

Team Decima members quietly whispered among themselves. Aubrey shared a granola bar with Greer as they waited for the group to act. After some time, Jeremy stepped forward.

"We've taken a vote," Jeremy announced. "We've decided that we are better off as a team, finishing the obstacle course without Martine."

Greer smiled at that, then nodded at Aubrey.

"Alrighty then," Aubrey said, as she gave Greer a knowing look. "Team Decima you go on ahead with the obstacle course." Aubrey blew her whistle and yelled, "Moooove people!"

Jeremy and the rest of his colleagues clambered back on the trail. Greer relaxed in the golf cart and watched the scene with silent approval.

"Meanwhile, Miss Able-To-Curse-In-A-Million-Languages-Lady," Aubrey said as she disengaged the safety on her shotgun, "I will get you down--my way." Aubrey lifted the shotgun, aimed it towards Martine, and pulled the trigger once.

Greer beamed at Aubrey, as a netting full of Martine landed on the ground with a thud. “Excellent, my dear.”

 

*** (Present day. Same Thursday morning continued.)

"Harold, I have to agree with Fusco. Feels like we're wasting time." Shaw complained, as she snapped some pictures through her telephoto lens camera. "I don't want to know why the Machine thought we ought to see Martine with a bad sunburn. Sending you the pics now."

Harold stared wide-eyed at the photographs currently appearing on his computer screen. In one picture, a red-faced Martine, in khaki shorts and tank top, is standing next to a cabin with a large banner draped across the length of the roof: "Welcome to Decima Technologies Annual Retreat." In another shot, Greer is handing Martine a bottle of sunscreen.

"Ms. Shaw can you get close enough to bluejack Martine's cellphone?" Harold added, "Remember to be careful."

"Sure thing, boss." Shaw put away her camera. "Come on Fusco, we actually have some work to do."

*** (Thursday afternoon)  
"Harold, it's done. Now what?" Shaw sat down on the hood of the Crown Vic, next to Fusco.

"Ms. Shaw, you and the detective should lay low for now. Stay close to the Lodge to monitor the situation."

Shaw’s cellphone started to flash. "Lucky us, looks like we have our answer now." Shaw sounded giddy as she looked at her cellphone screen: Martine was calling Greer.

"Greer, my sources tell me that the annoying blonde we were talking about earlier has been seen socializing with Root." Martine seethed, as she pulled a sunburned scab off her shoulder.

"Martine, you have an unhealthy fixation on Aubrey Posen." Greer observed. "I take it that you're still holding a grudge from last year's retreat."

"Greer, the bitch shot at me twice! And, she turned my team against me at the range!" Martine whined.

"Do you not recall that I was present at the retreat last year?" Greer retorted. "Aubrey used her shotgun to release you from the bear trap twice. Twice! Can you honestly blame Aubrey for your own ill-fated rendezvous with bear traps?"

"Greer, I still don't believe that it was a mere coincidence that I was trapped twice! What are the odds? The bitch trapped me on purpose to turn my team against me!"

"Martine, you need to let it go. The bear traps were not intended for you. You just happened to be very unlucky. That is all. Besides, she did not turn your team against you. She beat your top score at the range fair and square, last year and this year. Jeremy was so impressed by Aubrey's skills at the range that he asked me to recruit her for Decima."

"Jeremy of all people! Of course he was impressed! Jeremy had a fling with her last year! You can't be serious about his recruitment recommendation!"

"I am dead serious, Martine. With some training, Aubrey would make an exceptional Decima field agent. I have a suspicion that Root is trying to recruit her to work for Harold Finch. We need to get to Aubrey before Finch does. Bring her to me tonight, I need to have a 'little chat' with Aubrey."

"Greer, you are making a huge mistake." Martine huffed.

"Martine, I hope you know that envy and spite are unflattering vices to wear on your sleeve."

Their phone call ended after Martine and Greer discussed the food service options at this year's Decima company picnic.

"Ms. Shaw, Detective Fusco, keep monitoring Martine 24-7. Sounds like she has been tasked with retrieving Ms. Posen for Decima. Knowing Greer's training methods, Ms. Posen will be drugged and held at a black site until the Decima indoctrination process is complete. We need to make sure that Martine does not find Ms. Posen."

"Harold, let me put a bullet into Martine's pasty ass!" Shaw pleaded over the comm. "That bitch deserves it!"

"Ms. Shaw, we agreed that no one is to be killed during any mission." Harold reminded firmly. "We are in the business of saving lives, not ending them."

“Ah man, Harold, you are a total party pooper!”


	5. Chapter 5

(Yup, Thursday night from Chapter 3 continued)

 

The uncomfortable silence presently experienced by the three women standing in the middle of the campus quad was occasionally punctuated by the sounds of screeching tires and gunfire several hundred yards away.

Root thought she might have been hallucinating, but she could have sworn she saw animated rainbows, pink stars and lavender hearts floating in the air above them, as Aubrey and Stacie continued to stare at each other. This was getting ridiculous. Being the third wheel to these two lovestruck idiots wasn't Root's idea of a good time.

"Uh...Guys, I hate to break up this highly stimulating conversation, but we need to get to my car pronto!"

Root grabbed both girls by the arms and started running towards the parking lot approximately four buildings away.

Aubrey tried to stop and pull away from Root’s grip. She yelled, "Caroline, stop! What the hell is going on? Why are we running?"

Root stopped and rolled her eyes at Aubrey. "See that black SUV over there?" Root said, as she pointed towards the general direction of gunfire. "That's Martine Rousseau coming to kidnap you."

"Wait--Martine Rousseau is gonna... what?"

"We need to get going,” Root implored, “I don't have time to explain."

Root and the two women ran across campus to where Root’s car was parked. When they arrived at her car, Root opened the trunk and took out two firearms. She checked that the magazines were loaded. Root then tossed both guns at Aubrey and said, "Take my Glocks. You shoot, while I drive." Root pushed Aubrey into the front passenger seat and buckled her seatbelt.

"Stacie, get in and stay down." Root shoved Stacie into the backseat and pushed Stacie’s head down below the headrest.

As soon as Root got into the driver's seat and switched on the ignition, she immediately lowered her head below the top of the steering wheel. There was a loud bang and the sound of glass shattering to bits. A few bullets from Martine’s SUV had come flying through the driver's side window. The bullets missed hitting their target, but had blown out the window and had sprayed the broken glass all over the interior of the car.

_I am not dying today--dead lesbian trope be damned_ , Root thought. An outside observer might credit Root's instinct for self preservation or her quick reflexes for defying the ultimate goal of the bullets; but in reality, the Machine had whispered "duck" into Root's ear just in time to save Root from what surely would have been a sudden death. One of the perks of being the Machine's analog interface was this aura of immortality; and Root's unwavering devotion to the Machine had paid off in spades time and again. Root whispered a prayer of thanks to her powerful AI Lord and Savior.

Root noted that some of the bullets were currently lodged in the rear seat a few inches away from Stacie. Root looked from Stacie to Aubrey and asked, "Hey, are you guys okay?" Root frowned at the bits of glass covering the two young women. Stacie was busy poking at the new holes in the upholstery, while Aubrey looked like she was about to murder someone with her trademark Posen stare.

"Who the hell are you?" Aubrey asked Root, as she released her seatbelt and attempted to exit the vehicle. “Bet your name’s not even Caroline.”

Root gripped Aubrey's wrist and re-attached the seatbelt. "Aubrey, my mission is to keep you alive. Trust me on this. Stay put."

Root tapped the comm in her ear. "Sweetie, I thought you and Lionel were keeping Martine occupied." Root spoke into the comm with a scowl on her face.

"Oops, was that Martine's bullets that fucked up your car window?" Shaw added, "I thought that car looked familiar." Shaw continued to shoot at the black SUV as Lionel's Crown Victoria chased the SUV around the Barden campus. The SUV and the Crown Vic were circling the campus grounds over and over.

"Lionel, can't this old bucket go any faster?" Shaw said. "That SUV is bulletproof! We need to get close enough to push it off the road."

"I'm going as fast as I can, Short-Stuff!" Lionel pushed hard on the accelerator pedal, but could not get close enough to the SUV.

Root brushed away the shards of shattered glass from her hair and her black leather jacket. It was apparent that the leather jacket had sustained some scratches from the broken glass. Root looked at her jacket and could barely contain her anger. "Damn it! This is one of my favorite jackets! That bottle-blonde bitch is so dead!"

  
“Harold, did you hear what Martine did to Root’s leather jacket?” Shaw calmly averred, “We have yet another good reason to put a bullet in Martine’s pasty ass! Harold, say the word and it shall be done.”

“Ms. Shaw, Ms. Groves, please do not commit premeditated murder on anyone!” Harold begged over the comm. “Do not kill anyone, unless in self-defense or in defense of others, please!”

“Harold, my favorite leather jacket was attacked by Martine!” Root added, “I don’t think Martine is actually gonna kidnap Aubrey. Those bullets could have killed any of us in this car!”

“Harold, listen to Root,” stated Shaw begrudgingly. “Martine is on a personal rampage. I seriously doubt Martine is gonna obey Greer’s order to recruit Aubrey.”

“Don’t kill anyone!” Harold repeated. “Get Aubrey to the safe house, ASAP!”

"Fine, Harold. You’re buying me a new leather jacket when we get back to New York!” Root said as she brushed broken bits of glass off the dashboard. “But before I go to the safe house, I am gonna ram that SUV off the road.”

"Ms. Groves, please don't." Harold cried. "Your rental vehicle is not a bumper car!"

"You’re wrong, Harold!" Root said wickedly. "I have it on good authority that the 'B' in BMW most definitely stands for bumper car. Besides, my car is faster than Fusco’s."

"Nooo!!! Ms. Groves, you have Ms. Posen in your car!" Harold screamed. "Take her straight to the safe house and let Shaw and Fusco handle Martine!"

"Harold, have a little faith! If the Machine hasn't said no to my idea, I'm gonna assume I'm doing the right thing." Root smirked as she started the ignition. "Woo-hoo! It's bumper car time!"

Shaw chuckled when she heard Root's excited voice. "Root, you are such a dork!"

"Hey hey, I am not a dork!” Root declared, “Baby, I'm _your_ dork!"

Shaw smiled in spite of herself. “Ugh, shut up, Root!”

Root gunned the gas pedal to catch up to Lionel's Crown Victoria as it chased the black SUV. Root followed right behind the Crown Vic. The Crown Vic was weaving back and forth behind the SUV, as Lionel tried to get away from the line of sight of the gunman hanging out the passenger side window of the SUV.

The gunman sporadically shot at Lionel's car, leaving the hood riddled with bullets. Miraculously, none of the bullets had yet to strike out Lionel's front windshield or engine compartment.

"Lionel, I'm right behind you. Move aside so I can get closer to the SUV." Root waved at Lionel, as she maneuvered her car to run parallel to the Crown Vic.

"Coco Puffs, we'll draw the gunman's attention. You ram that mofo!" Fusco and Shaw both shot at the gunman as soon as Fusco positioned the Crown Vic near the right rear bumper of the SUV. The gunman stopped hanging out the SUV's window and retreated into the safety of the SUV. Shaw provided cover for Root by shooting continuously at the SUV’s windows.

Meanwhile, Root's BMW followed near the back left quarter panel of the SUV. Root rammed her car into the rear bumper of the SUV, but the result was only a small scratch on the SUV.

"That thing’s like a tank! Alright, Aubrey, it’s showtime! Aim for the tires." Root shouted.

Aubrey rolled down her window, leaned out with one gun. She shot once and the bullet pierced the left rear tire of the SUV. Aubrey retracted the gun and waited for Root to maneuver the car into a better position to see the other rear tire.

"Don't stop, make it pop. DJ, blow my speakers up!" Root sang happily over the comm. She couldn't wait to wrap her fingers around Martine's neck and squeeze. Root continued to sing as she drove. “Tonight, I'm-a fight, till we see the sunlight.”

Root slowed down to get some distance from the SUV, so that the rear right tire was easily visible. Aubrey leaned out the window again and shot once at that tire. The bullet struck its target.

"That was awesomesauce, Captain Posen!" Root wanted to high-five her acapella captain, but thought better of it. Root kept both hands on the steering wheel and smiled widely at Aubrey. Shaw winced as the slang term uttered by Root came over the comm. Shaw had vowed to kill the idiots at the Oxford online dictionary for adding such a lame-assed word. Oh, Root was in for a heap of trouble now. Shaw felt almost joyful as she thought of ways to punish Root.

Having both of its rear tires flattened by Aubrey, Martine’s SUV became noticeably slower as it continued to travel down the street.

"Thanks, Caroline!" Aubrey yelled. "But, that SUV has run-flat tires. All we did was slow it down."

"Root, you did not just use the word ‘awesomesauce’ to describe your new girlfriend!" Shaw shouted over the comm.

"Oh yessirree, I did indeed, honeybuns!" Root replied. "The girl's got skillz!"

"Skillz!?" Shaw asked, "Root, did you run out of superlatives to describe Aubrey?"

"Guys, enough with the gushing! When will the threesome be happening?" Lionel sounded thrilled. "Inquiring minds want to know!"

"Shut up, pervert!" Shaw punched Lionel in the arm, making the Crown Vic swerve a little to the left.

"Never gonna happen, jackass!" Root gritted her teeth as she spoke. "Sameen is MINE! I am so not good at sharing."

"Guys, cool your tits. Sheesh, can't a dirty old man crack a joke around here!" Fusco laughed. "Harold, tell our girls how feminist I am deep down."

"Detective Fusco," Harold groaned, "don't drag me into this!"

As the SUV slowed down, Root and Lionel both continuously rammed their cars into the rear bumper of the SUV. After taking several hits, the bumper bent under the pressure and folded into the rear hatch of the SUV. Sparks were flying off the rear fender of the SUV, as the fender scraped loudly against the rear tires.

"Feminist my ass!" Shaw clipped Lionel's ear.

"Harold, the Machine is telling me to take our number to the safe house now." Root stopped ramming the SUV, waved goodbye to Lionel and blew an air kiss at Shaw. The Crown Vic continued to ram the SUV.

Root turned left onto a side street. After driving for some time, Root parked in the driveway of a one-story tract house. The house looked almost identical to all the other houses along the quiet tree-lined residential street.

"Aubrey, you and Stacie should be safe here until the coast is clear." Root walked Aubrey and Stacie the short distance from the driveway to the front door of the house. She unlocked the door and quickly ushered them inside.

When all three of them entered the living room of the house, a man with a Mini Uzi stepped out of the shadows.

"Good evening, ladies. Put your hands up."

**Author's Note:**

> Comments always welcome :)  
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
